About damn time...

Dear Reader(s)

Before I hear a barrage of profanities from my reader (readers I hope by now. I mean if you can watch britney go bat sh*t crazy on youtube you can definitely read me ramblings eh!) I apologise for the massive gap in postings. I guess I kind of just went off it for a bit. The last two months of the year gone by were strange and retrospective in a very "kitch" way.

Of course, I don't mean I hit rock bottom (with constant fantasies about innovative ways to end my life)! I was just feeling a bit jaded with a tinge monotony in it.

I took a break from it all- movies, books, friends, blog et all but unfortunately was dumb enough to not take a break from chocolates! Result being a slight increase in my girth or maybe I am being paranoid again (I hope its the latter). And again to sound very tacky (as they say) the new year was a burst of refreshed thinking, rekindling my 'love affair' with life (I had to say it, I JUST had to ok!!)

Lets turn now to the vast plethora of topics I have had bubbling up in me. There is literally so much to talk about that I haven't a clue where to begin! So I guess it would be best to take this month wise. Here it goes:

October was a month that died of quickly and astonishingly quietly, Diwali fever and buzz was griping the city, but somehow I just wasn't into it. Then one morning when I was dragging my beleaguered bum to work, I saw something that just made my entire week. It was a very simple thing but something far profound. At this red light I saw this group of kids calling out to a transvestite screaming 'aunty! aunty! aunty!' at the top of their lungs. She went over them and they all clamored to the window of the sturdy old amby (Ambassador car), waiting eagerly and earnestly for her to lay her hands on them. For a minute I saw a smile on this woman's face..a smile like none other. A smile of true happiness, true contentment. That is what got me thinking. In another few years the bond that had so obviously developed between her and the kids, would dilapidate under the guise of morals, ethics, culture and the 'right thing'. Yet at this moment, at this fleeting second on a red light, none could be happier.....and it made me smile too. It made me happy and for some strange reason it reassured me that no matter how utterly a mess our lives might be in, we still can have those simple moments. Moments which are enough to make us happy. And even though I was feeling utterly bleak then...it made me happy too!

December was messy but fun! I had this magnificent lunch at home with some of my closest friends. To keep it short, people got drunk, bitchy and had loads of fun!! But what was the learning curve you ask...well exactly that. The lunch was the learning curve!! Your crazy you say...nah! See its simple and a very old done to the death idea. Friends!!! They are the true fountain of youth! When Juan Ponce de León went looking for the fabled fountain in Florida What he really should have done was throw a lunch party at home with his amigos. Its amazing how a bunch of friends can make you forget all about life, work, boyfriend/girlfriend/lover et all you actually do! I did :-)

P.S- The new year was equally emphatic. all I remember is running through the streets of JNU at 3 am!!

And then came 2008!
Its been quite the roller coaster already. Important decisions have been made, past monsters have been conquered and some have yet to be tackled. This will perhaps be a pivotal year,risk have to be taken, new directions chosen. And the time has come to move out of the box, built in this world of parties,pr, polo and champagne. Its time to unravel and begin the process anew. Tricky you might say but it has to be done, what we fear has to be faced head on (of course being dressed in a chic Marc Jacobs jacket with a Paul Smith trouser only helps. sigh!!).

And so friendships have ended, some have been reanalyzed and a certain 'flame' rekindled. Will this all play out like a Blake Edwards movie, with Julie Andrews singing her heart out or will it all crumble down in a Shakespearean style....I don't know. But its the 'not knowing' that fascinates me so.....
And so I saunter off humming "La Vie En Rose" by Edith Paif (love her!) to give this ride a go :)

x
The boy who(still) knows too little
P.S- Promise will be back soon with lots more

Of love, losing and letting go...

I was talking with one of my closest friend's in the whole wide world! She was as usual cribbing about her boyfriend. It was the same story. He doesn't pay attention, he worships his mum ( a very Indian thing!), he never listens blah blah. After having witnessed a million such rants before, followed by week long break ups and the constant cribbing I finally screamed at her, 'If its such crap jo, then let go!!".....

Silence.... and then just one sentence, "I can't seem to let go, you can't let go of love"..... something hit me about this line. Letting go.. why is it so difficult, especially when it comes to 'love'. As Boy George once sang," first comes the kisses.... and then comes the pain". It is strange isn't it? People who give us such blinding happiness can cause equally blinding pain....

I guess this is the biggest paradox of emotions, correction the biggest paradox of love. I have always been confusingly fascinated by love (I know sounds confusing eh). It can make us do some crazy things, it can make us create this whole world with a sun kissed future in our heads. It can (to sound cliched) take us 'somewhere over the rainbow'. But then at the same time it can also leave this never ceasing emptiness.

Or is it just a an age thing, when we are young we are so optimistic about love, aren't we? We dream of this all consuming passion, this feeling that envelopes you in a comforting blanket, our own little safe zone! But then with age, this definition changes, the madness of passion is replaced by this wanting for a more mellow feeling of comfort, of safety of escape...

Yet, when it comes to letting go...we are all the same. Despite age, despite everything else...letting go of a love is never easy is it. No mater what we say, do we ever move on...do we ever let go...

I was talking with another friend about this and he told me of this boy he had once dated for a while, he called him one of his greatest Love's. And while he was talking about him, i could see this shine in his eyes, this sparkle that was so pure so vulnerable. A side of him I had never seen. I asked him, when it ended, how did you get over it?.....all I heard was silence.....exactly like Jo-Jo. How ironical.. a 23 year old girl and a 30 something man, so different yet so similar....

So my beloved reader(s), I still am at a loss. I tried to make a sense of this thing called 'love' and break it down. But is that really possible? Can we ever really figure this out. Rather would we want to figure it out. I mean isn't it this gamble part of Love, what attracts us the most. This sense of not knowing...this sense of risking it all! (Gives me goosebumps!!)

I guess Ms. Winehouse was right, when she coiffed up her 'beehive' and sang, " Tho' I battled blind,Love is a fate resigned Memories mar my mind,Love it is a fate resigned. One I wish I never played,Oh, what a mess we made And now the final frame,Love is a losing game"

Bon soir
(A more cheerier post the next time, promise!!)

Off pets, emotions and fears...

Ok so its been what 2-3 weeks since i last posted here. Now before I get lectures on "how this is just another example of how short of an attention span i have" let me assure the time spent away from you my darling blog has been quite interesting....

To start off on a sombre note....my darling diva-esque love Debra died of a lung infection and its seems with her death my tryst with pet dogs has come to an end. It was quite a blow for me to see her go... she was as akin to me as can be! Spunky, effortlessly stylish, a bit tantrumy in a cute way and slightly off her knockers :-).....And she was one good looking dog! So there I was glumly going about my business, managing a luxury brand preview in Delhi, listening to the mindless rumblings of 'social aunties' and then out of the blue a "guest friend" calls up (these people have a habit of coming and disappearing at apt intervals) and I let the flood gates open! But he said something...to quote: "I never was fond of pets, as many people see them as an excuse for avoiding our emotions"

BAm BAM Bam! It was just one of those moments! I still mourn the death of my beauty, but it got me thinking...Are people who are madly in love with their pets really just scared of sharing the same emotions with another human being? Is our fear of rejection, our fear that what if the other person doesn't feel the same that really that strong , that after a point we just stop trying even in relationships we are currently in ?

Though I am scared to admit it, I think at some level I have done the same, one look back at the years and there have been times in school when instead of saying I like you to my crushes, I repeated the same words to my dogs! But I also must point out that every time i said it to my dogs, I always ended up with a sloppy dog jumping all over me. Still, it never did make up for what might have been. and its not just me, some of my closest friends have done the same and still do the same with boyfriends/girlfriends/lovers etc.

Which brings me to my other question: Is it really about our fear of emotions , of putting our feelings on line or is it just that we, as people have developed a sort of callousness towards emotions. Are emotions the new taboo for our generation?

Not only in mine, but also in so many of my friends lives and loves have I seen this. They all have had so much to say, so much express, but never did. What stopped them...a fear or rather is it the notion that emotions are what makes us weak, that our generation has grown up with the real culprit here....

It is everywhere isn't it? For ages men/women have been taught never to cry in front of other people, as it shows that your weak, never say how happy you are as it might make you appear selfish and self centered ... But I want to ask what's wrong with it? Why can't we cry in public, why can't I scream with joy when I am happy, why does showing that you have emotions make you weak... and who decided this!

And really what have we achieved through this.... honestly how many of us go through our lives holding back so much of what we feel.... just because "it isn't right" or the reasoning that "why should I be the first to take the plunge"

But now if we don't take that plunge then how will we ever know... how will we ever find that all consuming love or that glowing happiness or that introspective sadness... All these are what make us human, that set us apart, that makes us individuals and now we are just quietly letting go....

This isn't about loving your pet too much, about being scared of emotions, it isn't about being afraid to cry, or being afraid to say I am happy, I love you etc...

The fact of the matter we are finally reaching a stage where we are actually afraid of being human and this is what actually scares me.....

Of models and mortals....

Dear Reader(s)

Hola! we have been apart for almost a day and already I have neared a few breakdowns in your absence. I have just been thinking about our next conversation. So here I am, bubbling and exploding with excitement with words ready to spill out in a hurried rush of almost incoherent typing.

The weekend came and the weekend went and all i could do was get in a few hours of sleep. The task at hand: a shoot for a very popular news channel. What sort of shoot you say? A programme on food and restaurants. Now I know what you all are thinking! The web is filled with enough people cribbing about their life/work/love etc and there really isn't the need for one more aka yours truly.

But come on give me some credit....i would never stoop to such emotional lows, maybe i would but heck knows!! This is about as the title suggests of 'models and mortals'....

The celeb lined up for the shoot (thanks to my oh so very fabulous boss) was a model/DJ (Now don't roll your eyes people) Ok I did roll my eyes too, I mean the last thing I wanted was to spend my Sunday catering to the whims and fancies of a model! Aren't intellectual freaks like me supposed to look down upon such creatures in all their vain glory (Vanity is a virtue best shown of subtly, sort of like I do)

So there I was loitering around the snazzy lobby with its hanging metal chandeliers (reminiscent of 70's gentleman's club) waiting for my 'celebrity' to land up at the hotel, while the TV anchor was busy touching her makeup (not like she needed more paint on her face).

But my wait was over in a while the car pulled into the lobby and out popped the 'model'. at first glance everything looked in place. Snazzy jeans(skinny fit of course), snazzier shirt and of course the chunky belt with what i must admit looked very chic converse trainers (they are almost a fetish with me you see).

A quick hello later he was off for his meal with the anchor and I entrained myself with the antics of the PR manager and her sons (the eldest of whom for some strange reason refuse to call her mum and refers her to by her first name, very strange for my Indian sensibilities, can't help its in our blood!) but soon enough I was bored of watching this perennial struggle and thank god the shoot was over and now the dreaded moment had arrived....make chit chat with the 'model'! Yikes!!!!!

But surprise surprise I thought I would encounter a narcissistic hedonist with a 'pop' hangover, yet what I came across was a down to earth, friendly fellow with an almost shockingly Innocent appeal to his eyes. And as he went on about his numerous ventures I couldn't help but think that her was this boy in a strange town trying his best to make a mark in a world that really doesn't give a crap about one's ambitions or ideas, its all rather about how good you look in that CK brief....

And i just though to myself.... us normal folks ( and i use the term normal very loosely, as far as I am concerned) watch these creatures with their toned bodies and bronzed skins in numerous intricate poses on the ramps, magazines covers, and parties and think just how different 'they' are from 'us'. We assume they live in a vacuum, where the parties never end and the life is as glitzy as those Valentino outfits. But in reality they couldn't be any more like us...

Our ambitions, dreams, aims, aspirations are so strikingly similar that it can surprise even the most cynical critics out there. But I think its harder for them....we are the ones with the upper hand, we are the ones who have the benefit of experimenting with education and careers....whereas the so called vacuum they live in limits them....limits them in so many ways that I actually don't know how to put it into words here.....

So I guess when it comes to 'models' and 'mortals' the advantage really lies with none...we all after all have no clue what we are doing...

Bon soir

Lets talk about......

Where do I begin! Been about two days and already there's been high drama. Dropped my wallet...lost a bundle of cash but somehow i am more sad about my lost (expired) college i-card! But that's not the point here, lets save my inexplicable longing for a tattered i-card to be discussed later....

Lets talk business....Wednesday evening i went out to the local yuppie market with two girls from work. Educated, upper middle class, latest cell phone totting with big bags, quintessential 'Delhi' girls. Halfway through our market excursion i realised i was late for a dinner date, the girls were exasperated. How could i abandon there search for that perfect dress to go with that perfect pair of tights (are they really back in vogue? It surprises me)

And then one of them, asked me...'so will the night end on the bed?' I wasn't sure how to react to this question, after all I was just going for dinner with a friends! Still the fact is i am not averse to some heavy petting and snogging on the couch on a first date, it can be fun! And when i said this, it was meet with the most unabashed judgemental look! I felt like i had just uttered a racist term coined by Hitler and the KKK in collusion! The fact that i wasn't going on date didn't seem to matter anymore.

Was it really that wrong of me.... why is it that we are willing to be in serious relationships at the tender age of 16 and yet we treat anything remotely sexual with this feeling of guilt combined with hysteria, saved best for a bubonic plague! Are we really an MTVised generation or rather are we just 'conservative republicans' dressed in democratic clothing?

And is it really just a cultural thing here in India? I mean, if a US senator can be pushed to closet his sexuality to such an extent that he prefers a few minutes of an amorous fling with a complete stranger in some random washroom, can people anywhere really make a claim for being sexually liberated?

This leaves me sort of confused. Why is guilt associated with the greatest pleasure man can know? I am not saying that we should all spend every breathing moment grinding our loins with the opposite(or the same) sex! But why should we feel guilty about doing it whenever we do it.

Lets just say I have had my fair share of lovers/flings/affairs/relationships ( I ain't much for labels) and its been fantastic in and out of the bedroom, but there were some of them who never really felt free enough to express their desires. Sex was more of something to be 'done' rather than...well you know

Maybe that's why I am considered ( by some, not that i am bragging!) a good lover. Perhaps it is the fact that i have accepted my sexuality, I don't see sex as a release, I see it as a build up to an expression of a feeling, a desire just like anger, happiness and so on.

Perhaps when you stop prioritising sex is when you truly do start to feel free enough to enjoy it to the hilt. After all isn't it just another way of expression and once you accept that... perhaps that is when even a kiss can give you the same pleasure as a blow.....Then why frown over something which gives us such incomparable joy.

Doesn't a wife long for her husband's touch, then why is it such a sin for 'single' people to desire the same or for that matter gay/bi/straight to feel the same way....

Why is it that until certified by a piece of paper (read society), sex is such a guilty pleasure and after that sanction (achieved through a hideously over the top celebration) it just over time becomes almost obsolete....

Maybe i am talking all bull...but then again i can't help but wonder.....

Hmmm bon soir my dear reader(s) for now...

This has me all excited!!!

Ok Ok this has hints of being a tad bit addictive!! Umm my last post was just a few hours back and now i am hankering for more!

Its shockingly like a 14 year old surfing the television in the living room long after his folks are asleep, all in the hopes for a glimpse of that oh so elusive scantily clad Aphrodite ish starlet to satisfy his raging hormones.....But i guess i finally understand the constant ramblings of my Internet obsessed best friend (aka the queen-he/she knows what i am talking about!)

Ok time for a flashback! I got into p.r 6 months back, till then it was mutton rolls at TEFLAS (A legend in Jawahar Lal Nehru University), early evening walks in the gigantic campus were followed by massive bitching sessions with fellow thespians and anti colonistic-neo-romantic-idealistic doped out scholars (Its ridiculous the drugs in that place, all indigenously grown might i add, so forget the poor afghanis smugglers trying to make a living!)

Ok see there I go getting all distracted again! Back to the topic at hand... so bam here i was at this posh little apartment/office near the snobbiest market around town! The start was fun! Though i was a bit bothered by the fact that within the first day assumptions were made that your truly was more of a muahhh-muahhin PR type (read lifestyle/bling/blah!)

But hey who am i too question people! And so there i started like a virginal belle being lead to her wedding bed, I too was lead to mine...aka a spanking new 5 star (Upscale, they insist on that) hotel! Thus began the daily grind, the first meeting with the client wasn't scheduled for a week later, but the bashing had begun!

Immediate target: my dressing sense! Now i am as fashionably aware as any other Mtvised young un in today's world, but i always have had that whole neo-romantic madness to me, mirrored at time conspicuously in my clothing!

To quote-" Are you really wearing that (with the most irritating prep girl twang added to it)" I was smashed and flabbergasted...was I, an aspiring fashionista truly be guilty of a fashion faux pass!?!! I rushed to the washroom to check my appearance (vanity is a major virtue of mine) besides the usual 'i am so ugly and fat' teenage girl routine, I didn't notice nothing that was earth shattering...

But then it hit me....PR isn't it all about image, wasn't i myself guilty of so many times tearing many a people to bits over their clothes and now that it finally happened to me.....did i realise the impact of a sharp taunt......

Oh don't worry i ain't getting preachy again! I got over the entire episode with a quick piece of chocolate and was back to my best judgemental self......To prove read kindly read data appended below!

Where do i begin (rubbing hands in glee!)...... Ok firstly let me tell you folks out there.... full bred Delhi socialites have really bad breath!!! A certain polo player/entrepreneur (who isn't one these days!) has such an issue with mouth hygiene that a 5 mile radius around him needs to be cordoned off!

As you can see from the above mentioned small tid bit my spiritual-i-won't-be-mean-in-p.r phase ended quite quick! *grin*.....

Ok lets do a quick Reece of the content so far..... Witty, bitchy and umm perhaps could be a bit sharper eh. A bit more streamlined , but what do i do its my most endearing quality my beloved neuroticism thats compels me to jump from topic to topic! Ok promise to my reader(s) my fingers are still crossed. Next post will be more subject centric!

Ciao xoxo

Finally I have Arrived!!

After months of deliberation and constant coaxing by those i know and by those i barely know, I have decided to enter the blogosphere! (Despite the perennial fear that no one would read this, honestly i still am a bit freaked out about this...am i drama queen?!?)

It took a lot of deliberation upon deciding the name but some how this one hit home....After all, at the risk of sounding philosophical, isn't life about getting the 'so called answers' that one and all seek. But I wonder are those answers really worth discovering, i mean if we knew exactly what our purpose in life is would there be any point to all that we go though!

Some how i like the sanctuary of 'not knowing' it excites me, inspires me and well almost gets me all hot n bothered about life. If i already had these answers then.....umm would i be here? would there be any point to thinking about life, work, love, relationships, family etc... (If you haven;t guessed this blog will be about all the shizzle!)

Ok i think i need to slow it down, getting a tad bit too preachy here eh! Let me quickly give my intro:

A jumped up pantry boy who never knew his place.... (Morrisey circa 1980s)

At present i am toiling away in the glam bam world that is PR! Ironically a year ago i was an aspiring journalist, who was a bit jaded with the whole concept that is well PR (maybe its my inner bitch who hated and still at some level hates being nice to each and every one!!)

But is PR really that superficial as some people perceive it to be (a new romantic prospect said so!) and honestly after nearly 6 months i have no freaking clue! There are days when i almost have an anxiety attack wondering what the hell am i doing here! And there are those days when i can't help but have the most smug grin on my face thinking about how freaking good this job is!

But hey that's me a born conundrum, a boy of contradictions....a wannabe socialite with a conscious (eeks!!!!) Born nearly 20 years ago to equally confused parents who still are trying to figure life out (more on that later)

Ok now i am starving a bit now and i don't want to bore my prospective reader(s) If only! So off to lunch, some pasta perhaps! (And get some bitchin done asap )